


just for you

by leleluv



Category: NCT (Band), We Go Up - NCT Dream (Music Video), chenji - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Bulimia, Drug Use, Eating Disorders, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-28
Updated: 2019-12-25
Packaged: 2020-05-28 12:01:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,048
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19393714
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leleluv/pseuds/leleluv
Summary: Chenle just wants Jisung to be at peace.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> extremeee tw :(

Chenle was sat on his bathroom floor, eyes puffy with tears rolling down his cheeks. Chenle didn't have the energy to cry out how he really felt he just let his tears fall, thinking about how he got there, _well, rather who pushed him to that point._

Chenle blinks hard and gets on his knees. He shoves his fingers down his throat, close his eyes tighter each time.Once he was done and cleaned himself up and looked in the mirror. He examined himself his eyes were red, his nose was running, _Im a fucking mess_ , he thought _this is for you Jisung. maybe you wont mind me if I was pretty._

Chenle had always known Jisung wasnt fond of him. Chenle knew their bond had gone sour over the years, at first Chenle didn't think much of it he'd just stop cuddling up to Jisung or whatver it would be easy. It was all good until Jisung was just rude, different than the regular teasing it was constant on and off camera. It had gotten to the point where Chenle couldnt just brush it off. Hed tried to tell Jisung but he got the worst response, "Maybe if you weren't such a dumb crybaby this wouldn't be happening now would it?" _Well hes not wrong,_ Chenle thought to himself, _I wish I could just...stop feeling its not helping anyone._

Out of his daze Chenle put his hands to his face trying to find a way to look cute or feel good about himself. Chenle uttered "fuck" under his breath and looked for the only thing that could make him happy. He grabbed his joint as well as his lighter from his little jewlery box.

He turned on the shower and made it hot so the smell would be less obvious and smoke would make sense. Chenle inhaled the smoke held it in his mouth thinking about anything everything and everything and exhaled closing his eyes and rocking his head back. Chenle sat himself on the toilet and rested his head on his hand. Chenle began to think (probably the worst thing he could do at this moment) He thought about his fans he thought about how theyd react if they saw him like this. Chenle let out a slight chuckle of sorrow, and tapped his joint into the sink. Chenle stood up and looked in the medicine cabinet, _hydrocodone? oh,for jaemin._ Chenle looked up to the ceiling hoping for some sign from god or someone not to do it.

Chenle looked at the pill bottle, then to the mirror. He let out a heavy breath and turned off the shower and sprayed some cologne to mask the smell. Chenle opened the pill bottle. Chenle whispered to himself "heh what a way to go out, high and by my own hand. finally, i can go." Chenle poured about 16 pills until his hands and swallowed them all, dry. Chenle laid down on the bathroom floor letting it all hit him while letting everything go at the same time.


	2. realization.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> jisung didn't understand his actions mattered until it was too late.

Jisung was awoken by a call from his manager. He was confused, as the last time he received a call from them it was when he was told Jaemin wouldn't be participating in the next comeback. 

Nevertheless Jisung answered, still a bit confused. 

_"Jisung, why haven't you been answering my texts I've been trying to get to you all day?? This isn't a joke get to the hospital now."_

Jisung was still confused, he didn't know what what his manager was talking about. 

_"W-what are you talking about? I just woke up I didn't see your messages,"_ Jisung stammered _._

_"I'll explain it to you when you get here Jisung you just need to be at the hospital. I don't how tired you are the press would be angry if you didn't show up."_

Jisung was annoyed. Was there a schedule at the hospital no one told him about?? Surely it wasn't serious enough to awake him?

Jisung called an uber and headed to the hospital, he didn't really know which one it was he just went to the nearest one and hoped it was the right one.

As Jisung's uber pulled into the parking lot Jisung was kind of in shock, there were alot of people there. People with cameras were asking him so many questions their words started to blend together. 

When Jisung finally got inside he went to the lobby and texted his manager asking where he was. Not long after, his manager walked out and led him to the elevator.

_"Soo... what's all this about? Is it that serious haha?"_ Jisung asked nervously.

_"Yes, its that serious Jisung. Your band mates about to die and you're acting as if everything's a joke. For god's sake knetz are gonna think you're a brat what's that gonna do for sales-"_

_"Hold on what??? Who's about to die why didn't you tell me?"_ Jisung interrupted, he was kind of offended to be frank.

The elevator door opened before his question was answered and his manager angrily led him to a room.

As the door opened Jisung was completely shocked. It was Chenle. Jisung couldn't completely see him as his mom was hunched over his bed, sobbing. 

_"What happened? Did he get into an accident? Why is he here?"_ Jisung asked.

_"He overdosed or some shit like that I dunno. The doctors think its an attempted suicide or something."_ The manager said, surprisingly nonchalantly.

Jisung looked around the room only to be even more upset when he saw Jaemin Jeno and Renjun visibly upset. He was kind of angry at Chenle. Could he not be considerate enough to fucking wait until him and the other members had a fight or something? 

Jisung walked over to Jaemin, who looked the most upset. _"Hey Jaem. You okay? You don't look too good."_

 _"i'm not the one you should be worried about Jisung,"_ Jaemin said, in a tone that made Jisung feel like Jaemin was angry with him, _"look at Chenle...I wonder if we could've helped him-"_

 _"God isn't he so selfish right?"_ Jisung said as he cut Jaemin off feeling as if he had a point to make. _"Like, he couldn't have waited and been more considerate, like look around everyone's fucking worried about him, kind of rude if you ask me"_ Jisung said getting louder and louder as he went on.

By the time Jisung finished his thought, his members were staring at him, with a look of anger and disappointment in their eyes. Even Chenle's mother had turned around looking at Renjun in hopes that she could get a translation. However she couldn't as Renjun seemed far more angry than disappointed. Renjun stood up and grabbed Jisung by the arm and walked with him out of the room.

As the door closed Renjun began to stare at Jisung with nothing but anger in his eyes. _"Jisung, do you not understand what Chenle did, or what he was trying to do to himself?"_ Renjun asked Jisung hoping that Jisung just didn't know.

_"I know, and I don't know what was going on with him, but couldn't he have waited its so fucking annoying..."_ Jisung answered, still firm in his beliefs.

Renjun looked at Jisung wondering how a kid who he once thought of as sweet, with a whole new perspective. Truthfully Renjun and Chenle were very close as some of the only chinese trainees they sort of only had eachother. Renjun knew Chenle and Jisung weren't the best of friends even though the company really wanted them to be. However Chenle never explained why Jisung disliked him so much, Chenle didn't really seem to know either.

_"Why do you hate him so much_ Jisung?" Renjun asked, _"I understand not being his best friend, but for god's sake I KNOW you didn't treat him well. Chenle did nothing but try to be kind to you,what's your problem? Even when hes on the brink of dying you hold something against him and it makes absolutely no sense to me."_

 _"I...I'm sorry."_ Jisung said starting to realize that he wasn't completely in the right.

_"Don't say sorry to me Jisung. You should've said sorry to Chenle a long time ago."_ Renjun said as he turned around and looked more angry than Jisung had ever seen him.

As Renjun opened the door back into Chenle's room Jisung called out to him, _"Wait, Renjun please let me explain-"_

Renjun looked back at him with mostly disgust in his eyes, _"No, I need to call Kun and tell him what happened_ ," Renjun responded, and as Jisung was going to ask to explain again Renjun said _"Now get out of my sight."_ Renjun pushed past him, deciding he can't be in that stupid hospital anymore.

Jisung was baffled, he thought Renjun would take his side..he thought he was the favorite. Maybe Renjun was right Jisung was in the wrong. Truthfully Jisung saw Chenle as a threat. Jisung was the youngest, everyone was supposed to love and favor him right? That's how it worked right? Well that's not what happened. Over the years the other members began to like Chenle more and more, Jisung wasn't their number one. Jisung didn't hate Chenle, he was just competitive. 

Jisung began to realize that his "competitiveness" was at Chenle's expense.

Jisung walked back into Chenle's room, feeling a wave of guilt he should've felt earlier crash into him. Jisung looked at Jeno and Jaemin, _"Hey."_ Jisung said, feeling somewhat afraid. 

_"Hi"_ Jeno and Jaemin replied in unison.

_"I called Xuxi, he's pretty upset so if you don't wanna see that you should get going, the press has probably died down"_ Jeno stated, trying to stop his anger from showing. 

Jisung sighed, and said, _"Look, I'm sorry for what I said earlier, I wasn't thinking,"_ Jisung said, mostly remorseful, but he also knew that was what they wanted to hear,and he'd say anything just for them to favor him again. 

_"Yeah, you really weren't."_ Jeno said, as Jaemin was tuning both of them out, avoiding confrontation.

As Jisung went to sit in one of the chairs, Xuxi opened the door, looking worried. He went straight to the bed, glaring at Jisung as he went. When he arrived at the bed he began to talk to Chenle's mom, who had barely moved since Jisung had arrived. Chenle's mom looked as if she was relieved that Xuxi was there, as Chenle talked about Xuxi alot and she was glad to see a familiar face since Renjun had left. They began conversing in chinese, Chenle's mom kept looking at Jisung, looking somewhat afraid.

Jisung kind of wished he could explain his perspective to Chenle's mother, even so, she probably knew that Chenle and Jisung didn't have the best relationship. Chenle was a mommy's boy,he constantly talked to and about her and called and texted her daily. That's how she recognized Xuxi and Renjun, Chenle often sent pictures of him and his friends as his mom was curious. With the little chinese Jisung picked up, he could understand Chenle talking about getting hotpot with other members, and often times it included Renjun,Xuxi, and Kun. It somewhat stung for Jisung knowing that before the other members started favoring Chenle, he could've been someone he was close with.

While Jisung was lost in thought he didn't even notice Xuxi coming up to him, looking distraught and angry. Lucas tapped Jisung on the head towering over a sitting Jisung. Jisung looked up feeling intimidated.

_"I think it's best you leave, Jisung."_ Xuxi stated with little emotion is his voice.

_"Ah okay but can you tell Chenle's mom that-"_ Jisung stammered before being cut off.

_"I don't think she wants to talk to you Jisung. She knows about you y'know, she says Chenle would call her almost everyday, and he mentioned you. Alot. And most of the time, it wasn't very good."_ He stated as the sound of anger slowly became more relevant in his voice. _"The press is gone now so you don't have to fake care anymore."_

_It all began to settle in. Jisung was in the wrong. And everyone knew. He couldn't take anything back._

_He was far too late._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is kind of horrid but tell me if you want another chapter !!!

**Author's Note:**

> weee wooo this is bad but be nice


End file.
